A Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry , Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......"

From Spikey the Yorkie

How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Labrador:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz